kirktastic

I want to talk about gym etiquette. When you’re up in the gym just a workin’ on your fitness, there are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Old men, please cover up in the locker room. I really don’t want to see an old naked guy while I’m getting dressed. You don’t need to stand there naked watching Sports Center (your gym’s locker room has a big TV lounge, right?). And what is with guys that seem to need to shave/brush their teeth naked in front of the sink?
2. And those fucks that spit out their gum in the shower? Fuck you. You had to have passed six trash cans to get to the shower, could you have not used one of those, or waited until you when back to your locker and spit it out then? Do you do this at home?
3. For the love of all that is good and holy, wipe down your machines when you’re done. No one wants to touch equipment that you slimed all over. The gym provides an abundance of hand towels to keep you dry and moistened paper towels to wipe off the machines when you’re done. I sweat a lot and wouldn’t imagine leaving a machine all gross and sweaty when I’m done. It is called being a member of civilized society.
4. The machines aren’t to rest on and shoot the shit on, if you’re not using them to exercise move along. I don’t have all fucking day and when you’re using the machine I want as your easy chair to sit and talk about how much it costs to fill up your SUV, it makes me want to punch you in the face.
5. If you don’t know how to use a machine, please ask someone that either works there or another member. You’re going to hurt yourself or the machine doing that. Everyone there was new once and doesn’t mind helping a n00b. But if you’re completely clueless, hire a trainer to show you the ropes. It will be well worth the money spent since you won’t be wasting your time doing something ineffective and/or counterproductive rather than getting a good workout.
6. Just because the cafe in the gym is in the gym, doesn’t make all the food really healthy. One of the reasons you might not be seeing results is you’re erasing what ever calories you’ve burned upstairs on the delicious, but not really nutritious foodstuffs. I see an overweight lady with her young adult overweight daughter than workout for only 30 minutes and reward themselves with a Coke and some of the worst food on the menu. That 20oz Coke has 240 calories and 65g of carbs. It takes me 20 minutes on the StepMill to burn that many calories. You guys aren’t even breaking a sweat walking on the treadmill for half an hour. So really, you should have stayed home and would have been better off. Drinking a Coke once in a while is fine, but drinking one for breakfast every day is why you can’t fit in your pants.

The people that I complain about are few in number but ruin the experience for the rest of us. I love to see new fat people in the gym and that they’ve decided to do something about their lifestyle. It is motivating to see them get results and disheartening when they give up. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to get your ass into the gym. I know how it feels to believe you’ve worked your ass off but haven’t seen results. I know how yummy the fast food tastes. I know how hard it is to find time to workout. I also know how it feels when your doctor tells you that you need to eat better and exercise or you’ll be dead in a few years.

But you know what? It isn’t that hard. Two months ago I wasn’t going to the gym. I would eat excessive amounts of everything that was tasty ignoring the fact I have Wilfred Brimley Disease and doing nothing about it. When my friends GREAT GRANDMOTHER had an easier time climbing the hills and stairs in old town Puerto Vallarta than I did, it helped me realize just how I’ve let myself go. When I got home, I started going to the gym and eating better. I went to the doctor and he was very concerned about my cholesterol and blood pressure and how I was setting myself up for a heart attack. That reenforced my desire to finally do something. Well, two months after I started, I’m 32 pounds (14.5kg) lighter, I’ve lost 3 inches around my waist. My resting heart rate has gone from being 82 bpm to 62bpm. My blood sugar levels are never at diabetic levels anymore. I feel a lot better all damn day and I sleep like a cat at night. (I’ve stopped using babies as a comparison for sleeping since parents of babies have told me that babies don’t sleep for shit). I still have a long way to go to get where I want to be. I have a few pair of old school Levi 501 shrink to fit that I want to wear again. You know the kind that you have to buy in a larger size and wash a few dozen times before they start to fit you and only you. I also want to get to the point where I can stop taking my diabetes medicine ($1000 a month if I didn’t have insurance, $120 a month in copays with it). I’m still fat, but not as fat as I was. I’m not fit, but in much better shape than I was. I still have a long way to go and really for it to stick, I can’t go back to being a sloth and gluttonous (the other 5 deadly sins I’m OK with breaking on a daily basis).