So in the weekly recap from my spamfilter I found an email from a recruiter from a major corporation in was flagged as spam with a relatively high spam assassin score. Inside the email I didn’t find anything spamtacular. She had an address from said major corporation, she address the email directly to me, the salutation was to me. But still the robot that reads my mail decided it was crap and kept it from polluting my iPhone and MacBookPro’s inbox.
But a gem like this sails right through…

What I love about spam that was clearly written by someone who speaks English as a second or third language is the awesomeness of the copy.
First, the email is from Hubs Accrues. If that isn’t an awesome name from random words in a computer and/or financial terms dictionary I don’t know what is.
Then there’s the subject line: Breaking news for you! mow sexism. First breaking news just like they say on cable news outlets anytime the wind changes directon. But it is for me! Then mow sexism. I am really against an ism and sexism is one of the biggies. The world would be a better place if all the sexist pigs stepped off a cliff. But to “mow sexism” ? That might be a novel approach! Of course I’m going to open it.
Sadly the message may not even be for me, it was addressed to elvis_the_king@musician.org. So the National Enquirer was right all these years, Elvis is still alive and he’s working on ridding the world of sexism!
Since it passed the spam test at the host, Mac Mail was satisfied and brought it into my inbox and allowed the images to load. Great, another boner pill ad. One time I couldn’t get it up. Once! And even though she said that I shouldn’t worry about it, it happens to everyone, it is no big deal and we could just hold each other. Little did I know she’d sell my name to the boner pill salesmen.
The photo is of a young couple which either just either had or are about to have mind blowing sex. And some dude that looks like he was clipped out of a student loan spam as if they covered of someone else’s logo or call to action with that goofy guy.
The headline is brutal: 50% of men experience so form of sexual dysfunction. Wow. I could be part of that half. Of course, I am since that one time (only once!) I had problems in that department. But could it happen again? Maybe I should go hide under my bed or become a celibate monk.
The ad looks totally different below the hero image. More evidence it was probably cobbled together with other’s intellectual property and the bottom part is using the awesome graphic design prowess of Microsoft Paint or possibly even PowerPoint instead of Adobe Illustrator.
Killer subhead that is larger than the hero headline: SOLVE THIS PROBLEM AND BECOME ONE THESE HAPPINESS PEOPLE.
Happiness people? The happy couple maybe, but that student loan ad loser at the bottom? Please. And the 50% disfunction claim was about all men, mostly older dudes like your dad’s age. If guys in that picture are having problems getting it up they are either a) really really drunk [whiskey dick] or b) aren’t turned on by women and when she leaves the guy and the student loan guy can get it on w/o the need for pills.
Then there’s an offer for the pills which I don’t know is better than what Walgreens or CVS might offer. There’s a claim of saving hundreds of dollars so it has to be a great deal. And there’s a ribbon award saying that there’s guarantee. I’m sure if a customer is not satisfied, these guys will be more than happy to issue a refund. After all, it is an email from a nonexistent email address to someone else and missing the US required mailing address info on email communication.
The email ends with “your problems in bed are posible to solve”. Assuming they mean possible, I don’t think that’s possible. The only problem I have in bed is due to a chubby cat that will sometimes decide to expel a hair ball in the middle of the night. Almost 100% of the time, I can solve this problem by just yelling her name where she will jump off the bed and play “hide the hair ball” game for me to play the next morning.
[I just realized that my neighbors must really not appreciate hearing "PEANUT!" through the wall at 2am from time to time. I don't appreciate hearing the squeaky box springs of when my amorous neighbors upstairs are getting it on. Fortunately for me the guy upstairs rarely lasts over a minute. Perhaps I should print this spam and put it in their door as the flying from the Mattress Store didn't work]
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